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God never grows tired of meeting us, that's why there is no shame in going for encounter weekends more than once...
I didn't know what to expect out of this encounter until a day before. That night, I felt a prompting from the Holy Spirit. There is a need to revisit my past, wounds that may have been covered up by time. 'Are You sure?', there was hesitation. There had been this misconception in my head that it's 'shameful' to dig out past experiences as it would have meant that I have been living a lie.
The one thing that was made to resurface is my relationship with my father. On the outside, seen by everybody, we have a perfectly normal relationship. But to be brutally honest, I hardly ever feel loved by him. His indifference towards me and disinterest in my life often causes me to doubt if I am really his son. The way he treats me makes me feel like a burden to him. At times, I have been so dead sure that he hates me. Nothing I do seems to be able to make him smile. The sight of happy families never fails to trigger a wince in my heart. I have told myself that if my father can't even make me feel loved, no one else can, and even if I do get married, I shall never have kids. I wouldn't want anyone to experience what I have gone through...
Day 2: God's Fatherly Love
Ps CSL: the president will run, if he sees his son fall down
myself: impossible! even my dad left me alone when I fell and scrapped my knees on the drain covers.
The Holy Spirit resurfaced this incident when I was still in primary school.
On the way home from a visit to the doctor, my dad was walking far ahead of me, leaving me behind (which is something very normal). I tripped and scrapped my knees. I shouted but he ignored me. 'I fall down already and you also don't care!' He simply turned around to look at me, remaining where he was. I held my bleeding knees and cried, then got up on my own and walked behind him, as if nothing had happened.
Day 3: Faith To Heal Our Souls
I thought that I have lost my fear of rejection already, but as amos was talking about how some parents never planned for their child to be born (which was something I have heard for the umpteenth time), I was reminded that I have a similar fate.
When I was 7, mother told me that she never planned to get married, neither did father. I assume it must have been the fear to have a child that could be labelled as 'unwanted' that driven the resulting pressure from their parents to push them into marriage. Then she revealed that she never wanted to have a baby too. I believe the same reason could be used to explain that.
With that, I grew up wanting to break free from my parents. I always hate myself for having to rely on their money to survive.
Benny, my guide came to pray for me. I recalled another incident:
I was at the playground, and my dad was somewhere else in the park on his own. I was jumping on this bridge so that other kids couldn't cross it cos it's so shaky. I enjoyed the sight of the fear in their eyes. But after awhile, this parent came to shout at me because he thinks that I am bullying his kid. I was unable to defend myself and ran sobbing to my dad. He was at a bench, and I told him about it, hoping that he can teach that other parent a lesson. I was so so wrong. 'You are so useless. People shout at you and then you just cry!!' Then I told myself that I shall never be bullied by anyone again and there is no point in telling my parents any of my troubles cos they'll just see me as a weakling.
My sniffless turned into tears, and my tears then turned into wailing. 'Why? Why? Why can't you treat me like your son??'
As I revisited that scene, Jesus was there too. He was sitting on that bench too. He had his arms opened up to me. That made me realise that in every situation in life, the Lord had always been there for me, and He is there for you too! The Holy Spirit doesn't reveal the past to remind us about them and to feel worse, but He wants us to be free from them. We can only be truly liberated from those experiences when we can recall them and they no longer cause any pain. God sets us free from our past!
I prayed to God and forgave my father. He is also a victim of rejection, everybody is. That's the sorry state of the world. But the good news is that Jesus has come to set us free from the pain!!
The love that God has for us is real, and is perfect. I can't explain it, but I can only share my experiences. Everyone has been deeply hurt by their loved ones, even the pastor that preaches on the pulpit, the superstar that performs on stage and the guy who scores straight 'A's for his 'O' levels. But some have chose to allow God to heal and perform His work in their hearts. Often, this rejection and hurt take on a different form later in life. It may result in depression, anger and hate, thus explaining the violence and sadness that fills the world. The pursue of status, money or so-called success will only hide the scars and wounds, but only God can heal them and replace the emptiness within with His love...
I am thankful for what the Lord has done in me. He is never tired of loving me. His love has set me free!!
I didn't know what to expect out of this encounter until a day before. That night, I felt a prompting from the Holy Spirit. There is a need to revisit my past, wounds that may have been covered up by time. 'Are You sure?', there was hesitation. There had been this misconception in my head that it's 'shameful' to dig out past experiences as it would have meant that I have been living a lie.
The one thing that was made to resurface is my relationship with my father. On the outside, seen by everybody, we have a perfectly normal relationship. But to be brutally honest, I hardly ever feel loved by him. His indifference towards me and disinterest in my life often causes me to doubt if I am really his son. The way he treats me makes me feel like a burden to him. At times, I have been so dead sure that he hates me. Nothing I do seems to be able to make him smile. The sight of happy families never fails to trigger a wince in my heart. I have told myself that if my father can't even make me feel loved, no one else can, and even if I do get married, I shall never have kids. I wouldn't want anyone to experience what I have gone through...
Day 2: God's Fatherly Love
Ps CSL: the president will run, if he sees his son fall down
myself: impossible! even my dad left me alone when I fell and scrapped my knees on the drain covers.
The Holy Spirit resurfaced this incident when I was still in primary school.
On the way home from a visit to the doctor, my dad was walking far ahead of me, leaving me behind (which is something very normal). I tripped and scrapped my knees. I shouted but he ignored me. 'I fall down already and you also don't care!' He simply turned around to look at me, remaining where he was. I held my bleeding knees and cried, then got up on my own and walked behind him, as if nothing had happened.
Day 3: Faith To Heal Our Souls
I thought that I have lost my fear of rejection already, but as amos was talking about how some parents never planned for their child to be born (which was something I have heard for the umpteenth time), I was reminded that I have a similar fate.
When I was 7, mother told me that she never planned to get married, neither did father. I assume it must have been the fear to have a child that could be labelled as 'unwanted' that driven the resulting pressure from their parents to push them into marriage. Then she revealed that she never wanted to have a baby too. I believe the same reason could be used to explain that.
With that, I grew up wanting to break free from my parents. I always hate myself for having to rely on their money to survive.
Benny, my guide came to pray for me. I recalled another incident:
I was at the playground, and my dad was somewhere else in the park on his own. I was jumping on this bridge so that other kids couldn't cross it cos it's so shaky. I enjoyed the sight of the fear in their eyes. But after awhile, this parent came to shout at me because he thinks that I am bullying his kid. I was unable to defend myself and ran sobbing to my dad. He was at a bench, and I told him about it, hoping that he can teach that other parent a lesson. I was so so wrong. 'You are so useless. People shout at you and then you just cry!!' Then I told myself that I shall never be bullied by anyone again and there is no point in telling my parents any of my troubles cos they'll just see me as a weakling.
My sniffless turned into tears, and my tears then turned into wailing. 'Why? Why? Why can't you treat me like your son??'
As I revisited that scene, Jesus was there too. He was sitting on that bench too. He had his arms opened up to me. That made me realise that in every situation in life, the Lord had always been there for me, and He is there for you too! The Holy Spirit doesn't reveal the past to remind us about them and to feel worse, but He wants us to be free from them. We can only be truly liberated from those experiences when we can recall them and they no longer cause any pain. God sets us free from our past!
I prayed to God and forgave my father. He is also a victim of rejection, everybody is. That's the sorry state of the world. But the good news is that Jesus has come to set us free from the pain!!
The love that God has for us is real, and is perfect. I can't explain it, but I can only share my experiences. Everyone has been deeply hurt by their loved ones, even the pastor that preaches on the pulpit, the superstar that performs on stage and the guy who scores straight 'A's for his 'O' levels. But some have chose to allow God to heal and perform His work in their hearts. Often, this rejection and hurt take on a different form later in life. It may result in depression, anger and hate, thus explaining the violence and sadness that fills the world. The pursue of status, money or so-called success will only hide the scars and wounds, but only God can heal them and replace the emptiness within with His love...
I am thankful for what the Lord has done in me. He is never tired of loving me. His love has set me free!!
