what killed to the radio??

It's funny how I thought that I would never reminisce on the distant past like some old foggy. Or at least not do that in the near future.

If possible, I'd like to ask all other twenty two year old Singaporeans what they miss most about their primary to early secondary school life.

Just a week ago, I burnt $599 on a Bose Sounddock Portable. It sounds great, very crisp, not too bass heavy like how ah bengs and clubbers love it. I bought it simply cos all of my music is in my mp3 player now and the only time I get to savour it is on the car when I plug it into the auxillary jack.

So that got me thinking, what was life like before I got mp3s...

Many nights were spent, not doing any of the following:
1. youtube
2. msn
3. watching football on cable
4. or watching any cable tv cos there i only got it during JC days
5. blogging
6. blog-hopping
7. blog shopping
8. or anything else related to staring aimlessly at a computer screen
9. and how can i forget facebook

Choices were limited, and that made me happier actually. Nights were spent doing either one of the following:
1. radio (98.7 in primary school and 93.3 in secondary school)
2. non-cable TV (which I shall talk about another day perhaps...)
3. ICQ and IRC, which gives me the ability to be anybody I want, unlike msn or facebook...
4. Playing my yoyos
5. chatting on the phone, which up to til now, I prefer over icq, irc, or fbook...

I simply miss the radio. How did I ever abandon it? It was always there for me. It cheered me up and made my life colourful. It spoke into my life... Gave me hope when the girl I liked didn't talk to me, encouraged me to press on whenever I didn't manage to get her attention... Most importantly, it gave me something in common to talk about with my friends, which can be the hardest thing to do these days... What happened to 'live' dedications?? I started off buying fancy paper from Popular to write my dedication requests to Glenn Ong on the Ego Trip, then it got simplified into doing it over the Perfect 10 website, then became bland when it got reduced to SMSes. Then now, I don't even think call in dedications exist anymore. Correct me if I am wrong on that.

Yes, perhaps radio was better in the past. Deejays like Glenn Ong, Jean Danker, Carrie Chong, Howie, Ivan Rantung were my idols. When you hear them, you know that they are doing it 'live' from the studios... So much is recorded now. Deejays spoke less and played more music. And when they did speak, I wasn't turned off.

K-Ci & Jojo, Natalie Imbruglia, Jewel, Madonna, The Corrs, and the artistes of many other nice songs which I never knew the names of. Boybands actually sounded quite good back then really... Nsync, Bsb, etc... I think I miss sleeping with music in the background...

Ironically, that was the reason for purchasing the Sounddock, which doesn't have an FM tuner, neither does the iPod... Perhaps iPod killed the radio...

Heck, and I don't even have a radio in my room now... Perhaps I should have bought a hifi instead...

If you miss the radio like I do, perhaps the best way to recapture that feeling of sleeping to music is to stick to bedtimes after all... Your skin and hair will look better after that too, trust me on that... Any free FM tuner with earphones can do the job actually...

But I also believed radio back then was better, be it 98.7 or 93.3. Back then, it was more music and less talk

How the IT guy suspended me from school.

Contrary to what you may be thinking after seeing the title, this story is not about some ridiculous secondary school tall tale. It truly happened to me just within these two days.

It made me realise the shocking lack of logic in the system.

This bizarre string of events started off in the midst of add/drop madness. After getting my best realistically possible timetable (which can really feel like heaven if you know what I mean), my tutor cancelled my tutorial slot and I had to join one of the remaining three slots.

Slot 1: Clashes with my core tutorial
Slot 2: Clashes with my Japanese language tutorial
Slot 3: On Fridays, a day which I don’t have any other lessons.

Common sense told me that the third option would be the final resort. So I decided on the second one because I wouldn’t want to mess around with my core courses.

So, before going to bed that night, I sent out an email via NTUmail to everyone in HMJ1, looking for someone interested in a swap. I’d think chances would be high as last semester, I managed to find many willing parties. And in the semester before that, I replied to someone’s mass email requesting for a swap too.

After all, such emails are common during add/drop period, and I was sure the kind souls out there understood my situation.

The next morning, I woke up to learn that not a single person replied to my email, because I could not even log on to NTUmail, or StudentLink, or even Edventure! I called the Centre for IT Services (CITS) and was informed that my account has been suspended for a week due to mass emailing.

I sensed trouble, but there turned out to be more ahead. I walked into the lecture theatre, and realised that I can’t get my lecture notes. I turned on the laptop to try to find the CITS number again, but I couldn’t even log in to the Internet.

Soon, I realised that I wouldn’t be able to access STARS. I wouldn’t be able to obtain my readings. I wouldn’t be able to, basically do anything much in school. All that and more in the next seven days. Then the worst of it all, I wouldn’t be able to apply for an exchange because the deadline would be in two days.

I have been suspended from school.

I asked friends around me whether or not have they heard of students getting accounts suspended for mass mailing or any other reason. Every one said, ‘nope’.

According to CITS, “mass mailing is a serious offence as it used up (sic) resources and could be inconsiderate to other recipients,” and it is the university’s policy to suspend culprit’s account. Well, surely executing such a serious action against me would have been discussed between one or two professors maybe? But no, it was solely the mysterious postmaster who suspended me.

Well then again, surely such a serious punishment should act as a deterrent right? Maybe not in the past since nobody around me seems to have known about it. But not anymore; I have been made the best example.

A CITS staff told me that I was caught because someone who received my mass mail complained.

All I wanted was simply a timetable. One that doesn’t make me stay too long in school. One that gives me enough time to pursue my hobbies. And maybe, just maybe, one free weekday.

The good news is that I can still keep my Fridays free as I have been told that my original tutorial group will remain as it is. You know, that tutorial group. The one that was available for registration a few weeks ago, the one that got cancelled by my tutor after I got it. Yes, the one which made me have to rearrange my timetable, which then made me decide to find someone to swap another course’s tutorial with, when then I decided to send an email to a couple of hundred people. Which then irritated someone, and made him/her call up CITS. Which then got me suspended, I mean, my account suspended. Which then made me realise that the university treats mass mailing as ‘a serious offence’. Which got me really feeling like a fool after my tutor kept that tutorial slot. That made me think why tutors can be free to choose a timetable, which suits them best while students often have to worry away precious hours away just to try to get a decent timetable. That then got me really bewildered by the lack of logic, fairness, justice and organisation in the one of the world’s top 100 universities, Nanyang Technological University…

PS: Through this episode, I have been assisted greatly by my school’s (by my school I mean the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information, which is sadly in Nanyang Technological University) Chair and staff. So I shall keep to the objective of this story and save their kind deeds for another time, another story…

another tale spun, another lesson learnt

Seven years ago, I used to be a season ticket holder of the Singapore Symphony Orchestra. That year was, 2002, marked their first season in The Esplanade. Almost every (other) weekend after band rehearsals, I will head down alone to the Esplanade to be mesmerised by the music they make. And of course, some concerts didn't meet my expectations, and I had to try very hard to not fall asleep and end up snoring for some other of their concerts too.

It's gonna take a long while before I reach my point, but do bear with me if you are reading... If not, scroll down to Para 6.

Despite the often harsh and undeserved criticism directed at it, I still think that they are a damn good orchestra. Whenever a friend tells me that the SSO 'sucks', I'll ask them whether or not they have heard them 'live'. Unsurprisingly, the answer often is 'no'. And if not, he will most probably tell me he last went for one of their concerts 'a few years ago' and then fail to tell me the repertoire for that concert.

I'm not the kind that would go to places on my own. I wish I can be more like that though. But not so when I attend a concert. It feels like a dream each time I do so; the lights dim off, Alexander Souptel, the concert master, tunes the orchestra; the conductor struts in, often with a soloist; and the music starts at a flick of his baton. I get transported into another world where I'm immersed in what I love most. I no longer feel alone.

Unfortunately, last Friday's concert was one of their 'off-days'. It was the first time hearing Borodin's Polovetzian Dance from Prince Igor. It was certainly a great piece of music but the orchestra sounded nervous and was unable to keep up with the baton of Yoel Levi. For all the brilliance of Stephen Hough, he couldn't do the impossible, which was to make Tchaikovsky's second piano concerto sound entertaining and unforgettable. And then of course, there was Scherezade.

In the legendary Arabian folk story One Thousand and One Nights, Sharyr, the King of Persia caught his wife in an act of infidelity. In rage, he executes her and professes that all women are unfaithful. He goes on a daily ritual to marry a virgin each day only to have her executed the next morning. And soon, his aide can no longer find any virgin in the land and offers to the King his (the aide's) very own daughter. Her name was Scherezade. And on the night of their marriage, Scherezade tells the King a story, but does not end it, thus forcing the King to postpone her execution so that she could live another night to continue telling her story to the King. And on that second night, as soon as she finishes her first story, she goes on to tell another one and does not reveal the conclusion, so that she can live another day. And in her collection of stories includes the famous stories of Sinbad, Ali-Baba and Aladdin. And you thought those were Disney originals? And so, this went on for a thousand and one nights until Scherezade finally manages to touch the heart of the King and they lived happily ever after.

So in Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov's symphonic suite named after the Scherezade, the opening violin solo represents her, and expresses her desperation at facing the question of whether can she live another day. Just like seven years ago, Alexander Souptel played the violin solo. Then, I was completely mesmerised by it, and imagined myself as the King being held spellbound by the tales spun by Scherezade. But this time, everything went well til the last note, went he started to sound really shaky as he held the note. Then the violin slipped slightly off his chin. It wasn't very visible but I could see it, as I was only 5 rows away from the stage. Then, everything fell apart. His vibrattos sounded really ridiculously shaky. And just like in the story where Scherezade had to tell a story each night, Alexander had to play many violin solos throughout the suite. Everything that could turn bad happened. He started sounding really thin and squeaky, like the strings on his bow were crying out for wax. His double stops weren't precise. Even his intonation was really off at certain points.

This ain't the same solo I heard seven years back.

But when it all ended, and as the audience started applauding, Alexander stood up. With a somewhat sheepish smile, he shook the conductor's hand. Then faced the audience to bow. And right before he did so, I broke out in a smirk (because I am really impressed with how well he has taken it in his stride, and also that I know he is a really awesome soloist but just had a bad day). And perhaps he saw the shiny reflection from my braces and looked at me and gave me an eye-to-eye smile in the warmest way possible for about half a second.

What struck me most was how he managed not to feel guilt-ridden or ashamed of his mistakes. He was confident. He had nothing to prove to the audience. After all, I believe it wasn't the first time most of us present heard SSO play Scherezade. THey play it almost every year. And in all humility and down-to-earth-ness, he took it all in his stride.

Which reminds me, how I missed the high-C in the cadenza during my trumpet solo that very same seven years ago during my last concert with Dunman High. Looking back, I think I did even better than Alexander as I managed to stay focused for the rest of the solo and didn't make another mistake after that only one, whereas he made one after another. But after my solo, I didn't dare to look at the audience. I felt terrible. All because of that one note out of the hundreds of them.

I think the response often might be to push myself to do better the next time and give myself the pressure to do so. But I realised that thinking like that made me unable to move on. And I am still carrying the baggages of my past mistakes.

Despite the not-so-good performance by the orchestra last Friday, I walked home having learnt something. That shit does happen every once in a while. Life is most definitely not a bed of roses, but God is always there. And even if you do not believe in God, shit hits the roof every once in a while simply by probability. It's just like the more often you drive the car, the more likely you are to get into an accident. The longer you live, the more often you will stumble or make the occasional mistake. But the most important thing is not to allow it to prevent you from climbing greater heights just because there is a fear of repeating a similar mistake.

Some ppl might say that repeated mistakes are lessons that weren't learnt the first round. Well, that may be true, but in my opinion, repeating mistakes are certainly better remaining trapped in the past.

my dreams keep me alive

i attended a piano recital with a long-lost friend last Monday and had lunch together after that. we were just talking on random stuff, which then led to the questions that applicants to SMU's accountancy were asked during their admission interviews. Among the questions, one was 'my 3 greatest lessons in life'.

So, we took turns listing out our greatest lessons in life.

To me, the greatest lesson I have learnt is that my dreams keep me alive.
the day before the recital, i performed with SWO. it was a great concert, i really thought so... And after not playing for a full concert for the past 4 years, I had this raw emotion in me that I couldn't put into words... It was a sense of excitement, a hunger for more...

I slept on it and woke up the next day remembering my dream, in which I was playing in a concert. Then, I found out what was it that kept me excited after the concert... It is the truth that I am happiest when I am performing, making music...

'But wasn't it all over the moment I couldn't get into the conservatory?'

'I'm already 22 this year. Too old, too lousy. There are younger ones out there who are much better!'

The fact is that I feel most at ease and most confident when I'm making music. I am certainly not the best, nor is it even what I am best at. But i think after so many attempts and failures, I think I can never completely give up on music, unless the day arrives when I no longer have anymore interest in it...

When I'm at home, practising my trumpet alone in my room or the piano downstairs, i forget all other troubles, all loneliness and all sadness...

My age and my standard of playing are certainly sources of discouragement. But I rather push myself to my limits than to betray myself, telling myself that I may be meant for other things. I would never ever want to work just for the sake of money...

I haven't had any concrete plans yet, but, watch this space...

I know I'm loved,

But why does my heart still hurt?

the butterfly effect...

I have been pretty much cooped up at home for the past week.

Firstly, I miss school. And then, I feel lonely...

I've been doing some thinking, especially about the future... And regarding the future, it doesn't seem to accommodate a few things i'm doing now. I guess, after being myself for my entire life, I think I already pretty much know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at.

For one, I'm not good at multi-tasking... I'm most effective when I am concentrating on one thing, and determined to do my best for it.
Also, I'm good with starting conversations with new faces, but ineffective in maintaining lasting relationships...

I have to constantly remind myself to run my own race and not be distracted by others. I often find myself getting envious of friends who can do many things very well all at the same time. Occasionally, I hate myself for not being able to meet my own expectations.

And guess what is the consequence of comparing myself with others? Loneliness.

Out of this episode, I really thank God for opening my eyes; to see that my friends in school do care about me. People like Hendric, Kenneth, Sabrina and Cheryl whom I 'pangsay-ed' for assignments, Janie, Flo, Xiao Xuan and Simin for their well wishes and esp Fang Xuan and Yamuna who provided listening ears.

I guess that spreading myself too thinly over various tasks and concerns got me really worn out and that's when the anxiety started to kick in... It may have started from a small thing, but minute issues left unsolved will be magnified over time...

It's time to focus on what's important and what's ahead. And I guess some things will have to be dropped...

i miss school, so i made this wall...

For everybody mugging hard for exams now ;)

the brother I never had

on the mend

'Is this it?' timidly, I ask myself
A dream came true, then turned bad;
Was it all that was? Or still is?

You are the future I'd envisioned
Then a nightmare I could never anticipate, are you changing into?

You are the ideal, the hope I cling on to.
It is drive you give me, strength I had.

And yet for the hits, this much only I can take.
So call me fragile, call me weak;
Call me anything, for as long as you please.

These cracks I will mend,
And my dreams shatter they shall not.
For without them, what am I,
But a lifeless and aimless soul.

For the past I can't let go,
And the burdens I still hold,
Also the expectations that weigh me down,
I release it to Him all...

On His palm, I shall arise.
Free at last, I shall stand and shout
And with a joyful smile, to end it all off...

I've got rhythm!

I don't wanna talk
It makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

I chanced upon this song, and I really like it. But the lyrics are so sad, and the worst part is that I can really connect with it.

I think the thing that makes it really tough to break out of a cycle of depressing thoughts is the thought of self-pity. The self-pity that roots from pride.

I just had dinner with a good friend last night. Amazingly, he had just gone through what I had a couple of years back. And i found myself giving him advice that on hindsight, really sounded like something for myself instead.

God gives me feelings. Sadness is included. But the choice is still in me whether or not to be pulled down by it. Somehow, it seems now that the question I ask shouldn't be how do i not feel sad, but what now should I do so that I can move on instead of staying at the same spot moping at the same problem. Cos asking the first question really leads me to focus even more on my feelings, which gives me
the
sinking
fee
ling...

The myth out there is that you have to be happy to be able to move on. I think otherwise now. Moving on is a choice, and the fulfillment of happiness is a gradual effect.

Another friend of mine told me over lunch on wednesday that instead of waiting for something to happen, i should be taking some action before that something happens.

And so! I am STILL sad!! I acknowledge it! But I shall move on!! So that i can rise up from the circumstance that I'm in and have victory.

And I give thanks to the author and perfecter of my faith.

Can tmr be a better day?

I've been feeling rather lost of late. I think it's most probably cos of school and how bad i've become at it.

Each step I take seems to be getting heavier... I wonder where has the light lightness of my steps gone... Then again, I think I haven't really had that burden-less feeling for a few months already.

I wish... that like before... I can wake up each day, with excitement to meet faces both familiar and new, absorb the knowledge that is offered to me and do everything with pride, joy and eagerness. Where has the wing beneath my wings gone to?

I feel like I'm trying to solve a hundred-piece jigsaw puzzle, and I have a thousand pieces in my hands.

When I look around to see people who are really happy, I wonder what is it that can they possibly have that I don't.

I thought God would be asking me, "what's your problem again? you are such a baby..." or sth liddat. Thinking like that somehow made me feel like there's nothing much to look forward to. I think thinking like that made me feel hopeless...

Until I watched this on Friday night...




It made me realise the warped image of God I had been holding on to. It made me realise that He has hope in me. In the most colloquial of ways, God sees me up. HE SEES ME UP!

Thus I choose be excited about fulfilling His will every day! I choose to be excited about life.

And with that I say yes! Tmr will be a better day!

in her shoes

inspired by 躺在你的衣柜 by 陈琦缜

There I was, in a boutique
Unblemished and spotless, without a flaw in sight.
The finest sequins I donned,
A vivid rouge I applied
Alongside the others, I hung.

A new lease of life, I awaited.
To myself, a gleeful grin, I mused
A home tonight, I might get to find.
And so, patiently, I awaited,
In a boutique, there was I.

There I was, looking for the ideal gift
For an occasion, special to both you and I.
Momentous to you, a turning of age
Peculiar to me, for reasons a vary.
'We' don't exist, I know already
Insist, I do, on a perfect parting gift.

In a boutique, I saw it, and pairs they were in.
How certainly apt they were,
My blessings I give you two.
Befittingly apt they were,
We conclusively part our separate ways.

There we were,
You, him, the pair of shoes and i.
Awkwardness found her way only to me,
Brave her I did, to give you this perfect parting gift,
Along with it, left a piece of my heart.

You would have never known,
How much I yearned for an 'us'
But then again I grasped,
It was your innocence that left me,
Smitten in the past.

Perhaps you two were so in love, I couldn't tell.
Perhaps you two were so in love, I didn't see.
Perhaps you two were so in love, I never knew.
Perhaps you two were so in love, I denied the possibility.
And now you two are so in love, I refuse to look.

But fret? Oh please, do not, For my blessings I have given.
Bitter I am not, but silly, maybe,
A script, for all those while, I had been following,
One so badly written, it could only have been by me.
A dialogue for two it was, but performed only by me.

Look back at it? Never shall I again.
Like a wound, touching only stings.
Resist I must, even though it itches.
A constant struggle it is, and to let go, I must learn...

Here I am, lying in your closet.
Fulfillment I've found, in this new lease of life.
It's your feet I protect, as we go places together.
Anything better? Ask I dare not.
Because in the closet, here am I.

2009 is the year for luurRve...

Ho nonono... hold your horses, don't get too alarmed by the title of this post...

It is now 6h 40m into the new year, and I am just done with my first draft for my first opinion article on the sports section of the school paper.

How did I spend the first few hours of the new year? suppering...

Last year, at the dawn of 2008, i remember receiving 2 happynewyear sms-es. This year, i got none, which honestly, made me kinda sad...

I was then reminded of what i saw last night while waiting for my buddies to play basketball. This little boy was playing ball alone, then his elder brother (who happens to be pretty pudgy) calls for the ball, then starts screaming for it almost immediately. then, the older brother runs to his mom to start squealing... i gawked and thought, 'this ain't the way to play yo! you gotta fight for the ball!!'

and this event i witnessed has somehow molded my new year resolution(s)

1. I've gotta love myself the way God loves me...

I am really a whiner, and i think only my parents know that side about me. you see, when things go bad, i sulk big time, like that boy on the bball courts... deep inside, i'll most probably be waiting for someone to talk to me. very often, that doesn't happen, and that is perfectly reasonable too as the world continues to revolve with or w/o me!

So in this new year, I shall discipline myself to love myself the way God loves me, pick myself up when things ain't going right, and look to God for directions. No more whining and sulking!

2. I want to spread the luurRve...

Believe it or not, but i think that it is perfectly normal these days for ppl to be unwilling to love. That is because of something that may have happened in the past that may be preventing one from opening up, to become vulnerable to love and accept love. Rejections are painful. Tell me about them yo.

So in this new year, I shall overcome myself, reject my pride, and overcome my past to love the people around me!

3. I want to diminish my fear of bugs...

I am really freaked out by bugs (e.g. cockroaches, lizards, moths, beetles, etc...) whenever i see them. I am willing to avoid a particular area at home for days if i know that there's a bug there. So, there really is a need to think and act rationally in response to bugs at home!!

i'm dozing off.... zzzzz......

Are relationships emotional trade-offs??

Have you ever had a friend or a group of friends whom you used to be very close to, and yet now you can't do much than waving hello or simply smiling at them?

I think it's normal for friendships to wane, but I guess what hurts the most is that you still get to see each other around perhaps once a week, yet the other party no longer seems interested in interacting anymore.

It really boils down to the question - what are our relationships based upon?? Surely it's more than simply common experiences. If one is truly serious about a regarding someone as a friend, surely that person would be interested in what's going on in the life of his/her friend, not??

I can't help but wonder if we make friends because we expect something good from them... Is it because we are simply seeking companionship? And when someone else better comes along, is it okay to discard this companionship for something that is fresh and more exciting? Are relationships simply a trade-off of emotions?

Consider this... It is your first day at the workplace, and you don't know anybody at all. And it's lunchtime already, you'll most probably be finding a person or group to hang out with for lunch, and it most will be the most attractive bunch you will decide to tag along with. That may seem natural for someone who is new, but have you ever wondered what are you actually yearning for when you do that? Acceptance and security would be the most probable answers. Thus, unknowingly, you become 'friends' with the popular group of people. In return, those 'friends' feel affirmed on the position of popularity when you decide to hang out with them. Ultimately, many relationships are formed upon someone's need for acceptance and security and the other one's need for affirmation of popularity.

The scariest thing about this is that this vicious process robs us of our self-identity, because we become more than willing to change ourselves to suit the perception of a friend by others. Has our desire for companionship deprived us of our very own identities?

You see, this was the very plight that I was trapped in, which ultimately drew me to God. In God, I can be who I am, the person that He wants me to be, and that alone is more important that being affirmed as a so-called friend by others.

People will always fail me and hurt me, God has never and will never. People change, God doesn't. Unlike our love, which often comes along with conditions, most commonly reciprocation of affection, God's love has no strings attached.

And so, I have come full circle. Because of God, I am secure in who I am, and I do not have to change myself to be accepted as a 'friend' by someone. God loves me for who I am, so do my parents, and my true friends...

Can a godly person be an independent thinker?

Employees in Singapore feel that their leaders could do more to challenge employees to be independent thinkers.

That was what a study commissioned by the Ministry of Manpower has revealed. Many employees in Singapore are feeling that their employers are teaching them how to think. I'm afraid that the church is also in a similar state, except that many of us aren't even aware about it.

Just this afternoon, in the tribe meeting (which incidentally, I may not be a part of soon), we were discouraged from asking 'why?', but instead, told indirectly, just to follow and be limited just to asking the 'what' and 'how'.

I left the place rather disturbed. Have I been told to just follow whatever I'm told without questioning why I am doing it? Have I been told how to think?

This is in stark contrast to what I've learnt from Ps Seng Lee, that I should never be satisfied with whatever that he teaches, nor should I assume everything he teaches to be the truth, because the only truth in the world is the Word of God, and I should always refer to the scriptures to discern whatever messages that I receive.

That lesson from Ps Seng Lee had since taught me to never assume any sermons to be completely true until I check it against the Bible. I made a mistake actually by assuming that those words that he said is true. Fortunately, it turned out to be a safe assumption.

In Acts 11:17, 'Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.' In this verse from the Bible, the Bereans, who have been described as a noble people, checked against the Word every day to be sure that whatever that Paul - the person that wrote the most in the New Testament - was true.

If there's one lesson that I've learnt from Ps Seng Lee's dismissal by the church is that my faith should never be built on the faith or experiences of others. I have a direct connection with God.

God was there to see my formation in my mum's womb. God was there when I was depressed and down. He never leaves me...

Ps Seng Lee always made it a point to meet up with us - his tribe, his family - on a regular basis, no matter how busy he was. He was committed to us, his people. Whatever that I've learnt from him has made up the foundation of my faith.

Ps Khong is the leader of this church and who preaches great sermons every Sunday. I've learnt alot from his messages. I see him on the big screen or on stage, and have never interacted with him.

In the three years that I've been in youthnet, today's tribe meeting was the first time that Ps Eugene spoke to us.

my new blog!!

i have set up a sister blog here!!

why set up another blog?

simple... two reasons... i want to keep this blog as mainly a channel of expression for my thoughts, and my reflections on my walk with God... and i want to have another blog to air my opinions on the school, the authorities, and the society... it ain't really about citizen journalism though... but it may have articles that fall under citizen journalism...

so cheggidout!!

I think this is what Jesus would have done...

Looking back, I wouldn't have been able to swallow my pride and apologise... A sincere but simple 'sorry' has cleared the air, and prevented what could have been the worst possible start to my future in journalism...

And that is possible only because God reminded me of the fact that He is in control...

Persona...

persona |pərˈsōnə|
noun ( pl. -sonas or -sonae |-ˈsōnē|)
the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others : her public persona. In psychology, often contrasted with anima .
• a role or character adopted by an author or an actor.
ORIGIN early 20th cent.: Latin, literally ‘mask, character played by an actor.’

are our identities made up of our consciousness (who we believe we are), or does it comprise of our unconsciousness (the deepest desires and needs that we suppress and hide from everyone including self)?

a regular discussion in literature class has been brought to life by the circumstance that i've stumbled upon...


does the expectations of others define who we are? deny it as hard as you want to, but THAT is the truth... and it is also fact that different people (including the ego) have different expectations of us... and the question is, do we put on different masks to play different roles when we are around different people?

your boss expects you to be a productive worker...
your teacher expects you to be a hardworking student keen on learning...
your mother expects you to grow up into a successful person...
your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend expects you to be a faithful lover...
your peers expect you to provide good company...
your ego expects you to defend yourself...

is it possible to fulfill all those roles at the same time? you can try, and can even die trying... but i'm not saying that it's impossible... but when you find yourself finally able to reach the expectations of everyone around you, then who are you really? does the expectation of others make you who you are? or are you who you really are?

can you fault someone for wanting just to be himself and to do what he thinks is right? yes you can, to you, he may be selfish or uncommitted... but can you also be faulted for imposing your own expectations on him, and snuffing out his very true self in the process?

can you fault someone who wants to please others around him? yes you can, to you he may be a hypocrite, or even someone who's living out a lie... but in the process of trying to define what's right to do and what's not, are you also guilty of allowing his life to affect your very own expectation of yourself, thus denying your own identity in the process??

Metamorphosis

Franz Kafka's short story, Metamorphosis, is a great read and i recommend everyone to check it out. Never have I felt so much emotion in me from reading such a short piece of text, besides the Bible...

Gregor, the protagonist of the story, wakes up one morning and discovers that he has transformed into a bug. Hold on your thoughts, as this ain't gonna turn out to be like some happy lovey dovey disney movie where he goes on some adventures and goes on a rollercoaster ride of self-discovery and fun... nope nope... hold those thoughts...

It's grim. The manner in which his family abandons him, even though he had been, all the while, the sole breadwinner of his family. His sister is too young too get a real job, his mother is weak and his father is jobless and depressed after his business folded. But despite all of that, he still managed to earn a salary that is more than enough to support the expenses of his family...

He never wondered how he became a bug, it was never to be explained by the author either, and Gregor's parents never asked too... but throughout the story, he becomes depressed by his inability to go back to work, and his parents disown him and even contributes to his death as he is no longer able to provide for the family and even becomes a source of shame for them...

But the author seems to be posing a question to his readers... Have we unconsciously allowed ourselves to be defined by the things that we do?? In the process of seeking perfection in the things we do, have we lost our very own identities??

Time in college really flies... And that, can be dangerous... everything around becomes a blur and i end up getting caught in the details that aren't really that important...

deadlines for submission of assignments, reading of materials before lectures, finishing tutorials... what to wear? i can't possibly wear the same thing everyday... everybody around me is getting attached, and i'm still single.. argh... making sure i listen to every word the lecturer says, strategising study methods in an attempt to get good grades... plan the clothes i shall wear for the week... perhaps i should get attached... she seems like a nice girl... get a good grade, so that i will not be looked down upon... gotta dress well... i'm in cs, cs ppl dress well... gotta look good... i must show that i am attractive enough to be attached...

all these thoughts are real... and mapping them out like this and imaginating how it can all end up is pretty scary... unknowingly, i have already allowed myself to be defined by the things i do... even though i might have started this out as allowing God to define me as i go through another stage in life...

slow down.. take a look at the things around you... what is important to you now? is that thing worth investing your time and life in? does it build you towards your eternity?

enemy of the state

journalists are often vilified, and never given credit for anything too... i wonder if i'm ready for such treatment...

i realise that it ain't easy to get honest, open and transparent answers from people when questions are asked... people are often apprehensive when a reporter comes to ask for views and opinions on any subject... i really wonder why... well first of all, i've gotta clarify that of the bunch of interviews i did for my assignment today, my interviewees were really cooperative and i'm not going to write anything about them... i am just thinking of how it's gonna be like for me in the future...

time is taken away quickly... my first seven weeks of uni life has been spent in the blink of an eye...

sleep is becoming a rarity... i never knew that i'll be able to sleep after 2 am five days in a row and still wake up at 6.30am every morning...

TV is officially a luxury... watching lame cartoons or even random images in a box can have such a soothing effect on me now...

competition exudes adrenaline in me... somehow i find studying exciting...

i'm closer to becoming the somebody i wanna be... i never knew this would be possible...

but everything feels unreal to me...

as i'm learning to bear the beams of love from Him...

Let the moonlight...

It seems like with great company, the activities you do don't really matter... Last night, we jumped, burnt stuff, made funny faces and of course, carried lanterns and had a slice or two of mooncakes... all that was lacking was perhaps just a pomelo...

I can't remember the last time I had this much fun during mid-autumn festival... It must have been one of those nights during my kindergarten years when I was with my cousins, down at my grandma's place carrying lanterns...

In whatever manner you celebrated your festival, or not, happy 中秋节!!

this blog is still alive!

woah i guess this has been the longest 'break' i've taken

school has been really busy... it started off as really stressful but now it seems more an exciting challenge really...

i really thank God for how He has taken good care of me all this while ever since school started... i started off as a loner in school... but now, i've friends already! ppl like jeremy, florence, simin, karyne, audrey, marie, trixie, melissa, mariam, edwin etc etc... if you are wondering why am i mentioning so many of the girls, well, get the fact, cs is made up mostly of girls!! i am the only guy in my row during lecture!!

i think when your thoughts are on God, and you are immersed in His presence, one can't help it but to feel an unexplainable supernatural kind of joy... which is what I feel now.. i really don't see any reason to be happy... I've to wake up super early again tmr morning, I have a 900-word minimum poetry paper due on thurs which i've yet to start, I will receive a tv writing assignment on tues and I have a 1000-word essay on 'how can i prepare myself as a media professional' due in three weeks time... deadlines and deadlines!! but i can only attribute that joy to God, and thank Him for His amazing love!

there were days when i started thinking, 'aww shucks, how am i going to finish off with this day?' yes it was that bad... obsessive thoughts like, 'who am i gonna eat with?', 'where am i going during my breaks?' were occupying my mind... yeah, sounds like what's written in the Bible...

But yeah, God reminded me not to worry, that he would provide for me and i always end the day thanking God that He had made it possible for me to have new friends, cope relatively okay with classes, and still have time for other things like meeting up with ppl from church, my cell group and others...

and happy 21st bday jeremy!!

No News Is Bad News

I must apologise for the apparent lack of updates here. Well, I must admit that my passion to write did falter slightly but listening to some of my lecturers have really fired me up all over again I guess...

You know what's the difference between having a fixed 4 or 5-course set meal and a buffet that has a spread of international cuisine? It's about decisions...

You see, when you order a set meal, you know what you are getting, and you are given exactly what you asked for (more or less). You don't have to make any decisions like 'what should i eat first?' or 'how should i plan out my intake of carbohydrates?'. You get what you ordered, and you end up satisfied.

I think most of us Singaporeans would go for the buffet as it is definitely (or perhaps, usually) better value for money. But then one will be faced with questions like, 'what should i eat first?', 'would i still have space for this if i eat that first?' or 'how many rounds would i need to run if i take an extra plate of those?' You make your own decisions, choose your own course. You may end up satisfied, but you may also end up thinking, 'i should have taken more of that instead of this'.

decisions...

you see, that seems to be the no. 1 for priority on the list of problems that most freshies face... upon entering uni, you make YOUR own decisions... unlike in primary or secondary schools, or JCs. No longer are notes printed for you, no longer is attendance taken, no longer is homework to be handed up for marking and no longer is the form teacher urging you to pull your socks up...

well... the start of uni hasn't been the best of times for me, but I've certainly seen how God has brought me through all this while... of just only two weeks though...

on the next post, i shall share more on my experiences with God during my first days in NTU...

The Alchemist

it has been close to a month since i've updated this place... and this month had been a testing time for me.

well, hong kong was fun... but the trip back home was filled with reluctance and uncertainty... school at nafa was starting (started on 21 July), and as that date approached, it felt like i've taken a really big gamble... one that was perhaps too big for myself to handle...

as school started, i couldn't sleep in peace... God didn't seem to be in the picture and I felt a need to really strive and carve a path out for myself in where i am... insecurity crept in, followed by worry and even fear...

cutting a short story even shorter, it was really a miracle from the Lord that i managed to be reinstated into NTU's communication studies to pursue journalism again...

well, i really got to say that this experience with God had been the greatest testimony of His love for me, but behind my salvation of course... my faith has been strengthened and more importantly, refreshed... my hope in the Lord, renewed!!

Lost.Time.Life

I've been told to wait another week... So, sigh... Good news shall come this Monday!!

It so happened that the conservatory's director is still in UK and they have to get back here and talk to the two faculty members... david told me that gargan asked him about me, which is rather surprising really... i hope he only had good things to say after listening to my recording... but gargan also seems to want me to go for ANOTHER audition... argh...

I just had a lesson this afternoon... David's really understanding... he is angry that i tried out for yst but he understands that the scholarship is a huge financial relief for my part and he sounded okay when we talked about it just now...

Newaez, it's time to see myself as a music student... I need to practice real hard!! I've promised david at least three hours a day of practice and i'm gonna mean it!!

Upon arriving at nafa for the lesson, David was already there... I could hear him... I'm on time but he's already there, even though he told me that he'll be late by ten minutes!! I'm so definitely gonna be 15 min earlier in the future... Even if i can't start lessons earlier, i can sit at some corner to set up and clean my instrument...

I'm gonna turn 21 real soon. I've got to make up for lost time!! Gotta be at Juilliard by 25!! Then, I'm gonna play under maazel's baton!! ok that's really a fantasy cos he's retiring after the 08/09 season with ny phil... but it's ok, seiji ozawa will do too! he's my favourite anyway...

But in the midst of all this, I'm glad that God is with me... Peter denied Jesus three times because he gave in to fear of losing his life and chose safety over proclaiming his relationship with Jesus... I'm sure at that moment of time, his safety was dearest to him...

Similarly, my trumpet seems the most important thing to me now, but Jesus is gonna take first place in my heart!!

Dangerous Games

I injured my shoulder while playing frisbee yesterday afternoon... That's not me in the picture and I'll never be found in such a compromising position... Man I could get seriously hurt from diving like this yo!

How lame can this injury get, yo? In EPL terminology, it's just a knock really... I pulled my ligaments and rest would be needed... So maybe I would have to sit out of Sunday morning's dragon boating...

But I thank God for this lesson... I mean, at least it's just my shoulder! What if it turned out to be my fingers that got hurt, or even worse, my lips!! How then can I play my trumpet??

I remember back then in Dunman High, everybody was banned from sports and games in the few months that led up to the central judging for indoor bands in the SYF (Singapore Youth Festival)... It really sounded lame, but now, I understand...

I was googling on 'yong siew toh', and I found this malaysian girl who's going to the conservatory this august... She plays the trumpet too... Lady trumpeter, not really common... We chatted abit on facebook and I think I've found my first friend in school already!

Friends Share Joys

I've just received an sms from the assistant director at the conservatory and he said that the director is keen to accept me and now we'll just have to wait until next week for the two faculty members to hear the recording of my audition... so this is now the FORTNIGHT OF VICTORY!!

It really sounds like a big step towards realising the dream!!

Hallelujah!!

I'm really thankful for friends that the Lord has blessed me with. They go beyond being just great company, cos they have been sharing the joys and excitement that I've been experiencing over the past 2 weeks. Don't need to name lar huh, you know who you guys are... be secure, yo.

zoo pics

God Is Good All The Time!!

First of all, happy birthday to you richard!! We shall have a surprise waiting for you on Thursday afternoon... so yeah, just wait and see...

and bad news for me!! i just put on another kg!!


happy zoo day (psst... i took all these photos myself!! no cropping yo!)
And then, I had a great time at the zoo this afternoon with char, charles and jang, and phwoar, it was really tiring and fun!! i've never been to the zoo since primary 1 and this was only my fourth time there man...

I think the Singapore zoo is really cool, considering how much effort is put in to have new exhibits every year, now and then... A day at the zoo made me realise how much we as homosapiens can do and how little we actually are doing right now...


But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal - Gen 9:4-5

It all takes just a little change in our attitudes, to love and care for every animal on this planet... I mean, that's what God has called us Christians to do anyway!

killing lands you in jail
This afternoon, a butterfly landed on me and i asked char to help me take a pic of it on me... so after taking that photo, i waved it away and it flew behind, to a family with kids... and the boy was so frightened that he started screaming and wanted to kill that butterfly... ok that was cruel but i don't really blame him cos i mean, he's a kid after all right?


But the father, to my horror, said, 'No you cannot kill! Otherwise the zookeeper will put you in jail!!' Hey shouldn't he have been driving home the fact that these butterflies are harmless and they have lives too? What is it with Singaporeans and scaring children with policemen and jails... And throughout my observation of this family, the parents couldn't stop telling the children to not touch the lemurs or they'd bite.

I assure you they won't bite newaez, cos all of us were petting it and it's a herbivore!!

Please, let your kids have an experience of the nature... allow them to learn to love the animals out there...

God is Good All The Time
And so, back to what i really wanted to share today... that is... God is really good to me!! Even it's through the small things in life...

Today i came home to good news... first of all, my mom has offered to pay for the shoes that I just bought so i can survive on a bit more money for the next few days!! I was super down during dinner time cos i only had that wee bit of money left to last me the next week...

second, ntu just offered me communications studies... but not that it matters anyway now cos i'll be doing music at nus!! but the thing is that before the music thing came about, i was praying very hard for communcation studies...

So i give thanks to God for answering my prayers!! and guess what, He can surely answer yours too so don't give up and hang in there!!

Week of Victory

Victory is already in the hands of Jesus and i shall claim it with faith!

This week shall be my week of victory!!

I thank God that I was able to sleep on sat night, albeit waking up in the middle cos of a weird dream...

And I think pastor khong put it right when he mentioned that when we pray, we should pray with faith and courage and claim the victory, instead of the usual timidity and fear, because God does want to give us His blessings!

So this week, I will be hearing good news from France and I thank God for that!

The Waiting Game...

... is a game that I am not good at...

Ok, I think that I've did my best at yesterday's audition and God really has been very good to me... In fact, my playing yesterday was the best out of my 5 days of preparation. And it's all thanks to God!

So for now, I'll just have to wait for a call from the school next week. A call from France...

And thanks to my friends for all their praying, ppl like joshua teo, charmaine tay, jang, bei, charles and etc...

joshuat says that my blog is too depressive... and so, i should make this a more cheerful blog!!

after the audition yesterday, i felt as if a huge burden has been lifted away from me... and i had lunch with joshua teo and char tay... and we were talking about a rather heavy topic...

is the church doing enough to make the gospel attractive? and when 'the church' is being mentioned, it ain't just the pastors but everybody in it...

that made me think alot... and i shall translate my thoughts into actions...

Be Ambitious!!

i woke up at 9 today, started warming up at 10 and practised all the way til now, with a 2 hour nap from 6 to 8. of cos i didn't play non-stop. i practised in 20-30 min slots throughout the day...

So, i've done 5 recordings of each piece that i'm playing in the audition tomorrow, and selected the best ones for the dvd...

the fast few days have really been a torture... i could neither eat nor sleep properly... the audition recording has never left my mind... but my source of peace came from being still in the presence of God...

i'm trying my best not to think out of the outcome of the audition, but to enjoy the music tmr... i am leaving it in the hands of God...

BE POSITIVE LIMY!!

i just have to trash this guy...

full circle

The past 48 hours have been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me... Nothing could have prepared me for what was about the happen then.

This is gonna be really long...

The first dot
Just last night, Thursday, I had my first trumpet lesson in over three years. David Smith, he is. The associate principal in the Singapore Symphony Orchestra. I expressed my interest in pursuing music as an education and a career and so he told me that he will be hard on me because he said that.

Actually I liked it when he said that because I know then my fees would be worth it.

Then I started off by playing the G major scale for him, and then like a bolt of electricity sent through my nerves, he shocked the sleepiness out of me.

'What do you say, if I can arrange a special audition for you with the head of music (of Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts) to do a degree course here,' he said.

Well I never saw that coming. Nafa has closed their submission of applications and auditions already and he was willing to arrange an audition for me to enter the school.

'I'll call him (the head of music) tonight and ask him if this can be arranged.'

So David called me later last night at 11pm and told me that the head of music has agreed and I would have to give him my answer by today.

Answered prayer, sleepless night...
In my mind, I am really confused. My prayers have been answered. I was asking the Lord for a band to play in and a chance to study music. My plan had been to study a year first, then try auditioning for NUS' Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in March 09. Joining Nafa would mean that I would definitely have an orchestra and a band to play in.

But between YSTCM and Nafa, the former is definitely a more prestigious choice and harder to get in too I guess.

It is really ironic because if I wasn't offered a place a Nafa in the first place, which is by itself really exciting, I wouldn't be facing this dilemma.

And so, I couldn't sleep a wink. I got out of bed, 5am already, and surfed the net for information on YSTCM. Well, as expected, their auditions are closed already and there isn't really much hope. So I took down the email and phone number of the school so that I can give them a call later in the morning when I am at work.

I read chapter six of John. Then I told myself that I shall 'not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man (will give to me), for on Him the Father, God, has set His seal.'

False hope?
I was in office five minutes earlier than usual, took my seat, and started work.

The first story I took was Obama's private meeting with Hillary Clinton at her home. Never did I expect that that will be my last story for the day too.

I called YSTCM, and told them I want a late audition, I wanna get in to the school. The lady then transferred me to a dude, who turned out to be the one in-charge of admissions and student affairs.

After telling him a whole lot of crap such as I haven't been playing anywhere for the last 3 years, the only thing that struck him was that I am offered a place in Nafa (still subject to an audition).

'Ok I'll like to hear you then, can you come down like about... now?'

'(An audible gasp!)'

'Yes, I mean, you do want to appeal in to Yong Siew Toh and I will be away next week'

After some explanation that I am actually at work, I told him that I'll get a day off from my supervisor and I'll head down asap. I called Kelvin Wong and got him to pray for me.

On shaky ground, unchartered territory
I managed to take the day off from Azlinda, my sup, who's really nice, and then rushed home to take my instrument, practise a little of my more familiar pieces, grab a bite and head down.

My lack of practice and sleep were really working against me. I was sleeping throughout the journey to NUS. Knowing myself, I would slump into a deep shitty depression and fiery rage if I don't do well for this informal audition, so I made a prayer...

'Dear God, you know me best, and if this doesn't go well, do not allow me to get angry with You, because I really just want to please You, but it's just that when things don't go my way, I lose my temper. So help me oh Lord'.

I entered the conservatory. It is gorgeous. It's even more beautiful than the Momogaoka!! (the school that Chiaki and Nodame were in) I want to study here!!

I went to the admin office, waited for about five minutes for the guy. He arrived with a video cam, and that started making me really nervous...

We entered the studio... GASPS... It is four times the size of the Nafa studio and the minute details of the architecture is stunning.

I started off with a scale, then spanish trumpet... In my head, I was really confident because I really enjoyed the music and I felt relaxed. But he stopped me in the middle, and told me to play something that I usually play. So I chose the Arbans'.

'Your fundamentals are quite shaky. You have poor control of your breath,' he commented.

Oh Lord, is this really it??

The dude then randomly picked an exercise with lots of high and long notes I've never played. My hands were shaking, which means that my sound was shaking too as I played.

'You sing too much in your scales and there's too much vibratto in your music. The teachers will pick them out if they hear you. You are clearly not ready to play. Come back again on Wednesday and I will do a recording then.'

And so this is it, I have four days to make it. To make an impression.

'Would the fact that I'm a Singaporean help me?' I asked.

'Yes. We would even close one eye, but it really depends on your audition', he answered.

According to him, there were zero locals who auditioned to major in trumpet. So i guess that's my trump card.

I thank God for giving me all these chances. To be honest, the past 48 hours have felt just like a dream.

Going around in circles
Yes, going around in circles, that's something that has to stop. Music is the thing that I really want to do. I've never really shared this because it felt like a dream that would never come true. But it has always been in my prayers to God and now I've got the chance, I gotta stop going around in circles!

I've wasted two years in jc, trying to convince myself that I don't like music and that it only makes a good CCA record. And another two years in the army, getting jealous whenever I heard stories of friends going to study music. I shall escape no more! Nafa or YST, I am gonna do it anyway! Why shun these opportunities when God placed them right in front of me and answered my prayers already??

Music is something that I want to do. And even though studying it in US or Europe is usually the route, I don't wanna give myself the excuse that I shall practice harder so that after six years of doing a degree that i don't really regard as first choice, I shall then pursue my interest in music. That will be a total waste of life!! I think the fact that I may feel like this at times is because of my insecurity of my future.

True, it is hard to get a job as a musician. True, it is EVEN harder to make it as a member of a professional orchestra! But I rather die trying than to live with the regret of what if...

I can't stop praising Him for performing such a miracle. I just wanted a regular normal lesson last night with my teacher and this is how it turned out to be...

Hallelujah...

joshua's 21st

ok this is the first of the bday parties i attended in the weekend...

happy bday to joshua quack! my beloved ex-classmate who formed the much maligned hainan dao in 4g.

it was really great to know that he's also serving God in his church ministry too!!

many of my ex-classmates were there too, and i had a great fun time talking to each one of them, esp lau-wen jinn (qui-gon jinn's brother).

thanks for the memories buddays!!

prayer works... really!!

just about 2 weeks ago... i got a call from a good friend from dunman high, pei qi, about joshua's upcoming bday party, then we ended up talking a bit. i told her about my frustrations about not being offered the courses of my choice and the lack of news from SPH on the job, and guess what, she told me to go and pray!

she's not a christian but she remembered that i prayed for her during the 100k campaign.

and so i uttered a short and simple prayer on the bus on the way home and i can't even remember what i told God, and that next day, i received the call from SPH's HR division to report on Tuesday!

so yes, prayer works and lives are touched too when they are prayed for.

the first dot

i feel bad for the lack of updates...

today, i'm into my 4th day interning with singapore press holdings, and it's been quite an enjoyable time thus far! you know what the great irony is? i don't get any free newspapers...

i'm attached to the straitstimes.com desk as a content producer, which basically means that i take stuff from the wires (e.g. AP, AFP and reuters) and upload it on to the straitstimes.com page... as of now, go to www.straitstimes.com and take part in the snap poll! i came up with the questions yesterday evening!

I've learnt really useful and good stuff for writing articles online and i can put them to good use here too... so yep, hope i can make this blog more interesting to read!!

reflections on YN144 re-encounter

i haven't blogged for more than a week! i was away for the youthnet 144 re-encounter for the past long weekend and it had been a truly great time of resting and listening from God.

the theme was 'returning to the roots of our faith' and the highlight of it was the passover feast that we observed on sunday night.

i thought i gotta pen down my reflections quickly before they fade into a distant memory...

REFLECTIONS

1. leaving Egypt, and stepping into the Promised Land
Egypt was a land where the Israelites were enslaved and ill-treated for 400+ years and God blessed them and provided a way of Egypt and into the Promised Land, to free the Israelites from all of their suffering, because they have been God's chosen ppl. But as the journey into the Promised Land went on, the people started to complain and started to compare their current situation with that of Egypt. They said that they would rather return to Egypt than to suffer out here. And they aimed their anger and frustrations at God.

that happened because they have lost the big picture. they have lost sight of their destination. but more than that, their spirits were still in Egypt. it takes effort to break out of a routine that you are fixed in everyday. And most times, if not every, we will miss certain episodes of life that were part of the old routine, e.g. serving national service and studying in tampines jc for me, even though those were some of the crappiest times in my life and i hated them. it is in human nature to reminisce, but over-indulging into the (old or sinful) past will most be due to the fact that the person may not have left Egypt

Imagine God is going to choose you to be the world's best artist, doctor, musician or whatever, and He's going to give you all the help that you will need. how do you think that is going to happen? He can make you immediately into one, like a cinderella, but do you think that's how God works? What kind of values will He be teaching if He did that? I'd think that He'll will put you into tough intensive training and tons of practice to reach the goal and at the same time, you will have to constantly be reminded of the bigger picture that God has for you, and take delight in His presence.

2. We are children, not slaves.

A slave works for his master because he knows that if he doesn't, he's going to die
A servant works for his wages, and will work only if or as long as he is paid.
A child simply desires to please his father and put a smile on his face.

I have also questioned the attitude that I have been putting on while serving God. I have forgotten that I am His adopted son and not a miserly boss or cruel master...

3. Deception and settling for less.

On the way to the Promised Land, some Israelites left the traveling pack and settled down to start their homes.

They were freed from slavery and may have tasted happiness, but they did not end up in the Promised Land that is definitely much better. They didn't press on and didn't experience the full glory of God. Difficulties cannot be simply put off as closed doors every time, but one would have to keep the big picture in mind and remember the greater plans that God has.

It was also really a blessing to get to know a few more new friends and it was even more enjoyable to work in helping to set up in the programme with amos in charge, together with kelvin, joshua ee and guang rong... we spent so many hours folding all those paper frogs!! and thanks to teck horng who made welcoming strangers a really fun experience... muahaha!!

teck horng and the bodhi aka body tree

so many paper frogs....

and i think the hotel service is really m-standard man... the cutlery that is on our tables are usually used and stained already!! disgusting!! and the porters seem to be paid to chat among themselves... shrugs man... malaysia truly asia siah...!!

ueno juri!!

kena-ed gout today again... humph...



Ever since watching nodame cantabile, i've been crazy over ueno juri!! Yep she acts really well and she's really versatile with her roles... in nodame cantabile, she was a simple-minded pianist girl who was crazy over her senior; in niji no megami, she was a stubborn and strong-willed movie producer who never truly expressed her feelings; in swing girls, she played a peasant girl who fell in love with jazz; in last friends, she took on the extreme and challenging role of a lesbian girl who loved her childhood friend since young; and in summer time machine blues, well, i'm halfway through it right now...

growing pains

must opposites attract? i find it puzzling... mystifying...
it's something i can't control, i hate that...

black is out, and so too is white...
everything is in shades of gray...

down is up to me, up is down to another,
and up and down are nothing but directions...

what is normal what is average?
would ambiguity grant me peace?

lost is in, survivor is out,
but in and out are nothing but positions in reference to boundaries

weird dreams...

the subject of dreams is an interesting and fascinating one, resulting in a vast amount of research done on it. there are various theories that suggest the physiology of dreams...

1. rapid eye movement (REM) sleep
during REM sleep, a person will be unable to move his/her muscles due to a shut down of certain neurotransmitters that is caused by the on-set of REM atonia, resulting in the person acting out his/her actions in the dream. ok in layman terms, it's like a situation where the body is asleep but the mind is still awake and in a world of its own.

2. continual activation
this hypothesis is rooted from REM sleep, and suggests that short-term memory is transferred to long-term memory while sleeping, thus explaining continuation in some dreams.

3. dreams and memory
suggests that our dreams are a manifestation of our long-term memories... thus explaining why some have dreams of past experiences.

i read up on those stuff from wikipedia and i dunno about you but i believe that you still as lost as i am... but we Christians also believe that dreaming is also God's way of communicating with us, like how Joseph dreamed that his brothers will come under him and how Nebuchadnezzar dreamed of weird statues and rocks...

this afternoon, i had 2 really weird dreams... i think it'd be fun to write them down here so i can remember them newaez...

dream no.1
i am in the town of Pripyat (i recall a name vaguely but just wiki-ed it to be sure). in my room, i had a window that overlooked a vast grassland. the only distinguishing feature of that territory is a nuclear power plant (haha sounding familiar). it had 2 reactors and they were on the edge of some plateau. they were huge and seem to be the only buildings in the vicinity. there were no roads leading to it.
i witnessed it's destruction, saw the giant orange mushroom cloud and many fire engines and helicopters rushing to the scene, many people died. the flames and radiation incinerated them and some of the bodies were glowing green.
then i sat down with a firefighter who mentioned that everybody that went down to try to put down the flames and rescue the workers died, and he was the only exception. there were those who died from the radiation and fires, whereas the drove down the valley to their deaths in their fire engines, so that they would not live in the shame and guilt of not being able to rescue anyone.

oh man... haha, such a dream... i do have an explanation for this dream... well, i have watched many documentaries on tv which were on the chernobyl nuclear disaster and also played call of duty 4, which featured a mission at pripyat...

dream no. 2
i flew to london and stayed in a hotel with a weird name. then i took trumpet lessons from a pudgy balding old man. he wasn't wearing glasses and had a wispy white hair above his ears and at the back of his head. his cheeks were sagging. there was someone who was there too, but the sun was shining into my eyes and I couldn't identify him/her... the lesson was going very well and i got frustrated with myself... then the music came to a passage in which i couldn't reach the high notes and i stopped playing and looked down on the floor and started crying... then i woke up and realised that my pillow was really wet and i returned into the dream and continued crying... then i woke up again and saw that the bed was drenched in my tears too...

trumpet... london... old man... crying... humph...