Policy For Honesty

Some time last week, I was trying to figure out how long it has been since I first knew came to FCBC. It was 26 June 2004, the last Saturday of the holidays. I was in year 1 of junior college and soon, that will be something that happened 4 years ago.

Recently, a friend of mine called me a SNAG. Urgh! That sounds androgynous! According to that friend of mine, I am 'extrasensitive' and 'honest about my emotions'. Well, yeah, I admit that I am someone who is very emotional, easily attached emotional, and with a tendency to open up my feelings to my friends. That often leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable. It seems like guys ain't supposed to behave like this.

Growing up, I was often looking for people to talk to, to listen to me. I was puzzled by how my schoolmates seem unwilling to share their opinions, thoughts and feelings honestly, and why they do not seem to be bothered by them, whereas I have problems bottling up those of my own. And airing them out often results in me becoming the butt of jokes.

I started to hate myself for being like this. I felt sorry for myself too because it seemed to me that my schoolmates seem to get on fine with life. I felt the need to toughen and harden up, to learn to keep everything to myself... That way, I won't get hurt again...

As I went on to secondary school, putting up a strong front became part of my second nature. Laughing would become the best way of hiding my emotions. People seemed to like my company, or at least that was what I thought. But deep down, it was like a pressure cooker, I hated being someone I'm not and yet, I have to keep it in me, or I would lose the plot otherwise. But like how a butterfly causes a tornado somewhere else in the world when it flaps its wings, I cracked when something dear to me was taken away. I lost it, depression set in.

Why can't I be like him? My dreams are shattered... Why must I be such a fragile loser?

It took me 2 years to be found by God, the someone who loves me and more importantly, loves me for who I am. Yes, with God, I can be Yufan...

Ps Melvin's message really touched my heart. I had allowed my disappointments to block my view of the bigger picture that God had for me. I was then brought back to my first love, Jesus, He who loved me even before I was born, who knew that I'll be some emo dude, and who loves me for who I am... I thank God for delivering me through those times of trials and difficulties, and my reward was my new life in Christ...

This Friday is Good Friday. Good Friday ain't about the purple bunnies and fancy eggs. It's about Jesus, who loves us so much, and died for my sins and yours too. Christianity ain't going to church my friends, it's a relationship with the LORD. Jesus ain't dead, He's alive with the Father, looking out for me in every moment of my life.

I may struggle with the usual things like my future, my past failures and worry about my university application and stuff, or my actions may have even left a bad impression of Christianity on you. But I am a work in progress and saved not by my works but by the Grace of God. However, I can rest assure He has His best for me and my future, and He has the same for you too if you were to invite Him into your life too. So won't you give Jesus a chance to show you what He can do for you and through you?