full circle

The past 48 hours have been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me... Nothing could have prepared me for what was about the happen then.

This is gonna be really long...

The first dot
Just last night, Thursday, I had my first trumpet lesson in over three years. David Smith, he is. The associate principal in the Singapore Symphony Orchestra. I expressed my interest in pursuing music as an education and a career and so he told me that he will be hard on me because he said that.

Actually I liked it when he said that because I know then my fees would be worth it.

Then I started off by playing the G major scale for him, and then like a bolt of electricity sent through my nerves, he shocked the sleepiness out of me.

'What do you say, if I can arrange a special audition for you with the head of music (of Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts) to do a degree course here,' he said.

Well I never saw that coming. Nafa has closed their submission of applications and auditions already and he was willing to arrange an audition for me to enter the school.

'I'll call him (the head of music) tonight and ask him if this can be arranged.'

So David called me later last night at 11pm and told me that the head of music has agreed and I would have to give him my answer by today.

Answered prayer, sleepless night...
In my mind, I am really confused. My prayers have been answered. I was asking the Lord for a band to play in and a chance to study music. My plan had been to study a year first, then try auditioning for NUS' Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music in March 09. Joining Nafa would mean that I would definitely have an orchestra and a band to play in.

But between YSTCM and Nafa, the former is definitely a more prestigious choice and harder to get in too I guess.

It is really ironic because if I wasn't offered a place a Nafa in the first place, which is by itself really exciting, I wouldn't be facing this dilemma.

And so, I couldn't sleep a wink. I got out of bed, 5am already, and surfed the net for information on YSTCM. Well, as expected, their auditions are closed already and there isn't really much hope. So I took down the email and phone number of the school so that I can give them a call later in the morning when I am at work.

I read chapter six of John. Then I told myself that I shall 'not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man (will give to me), for on Him the Father, God, has set His seal.'

False hope?
I was in office five minutes earlier than usual, took my seat, and started work.

The first story I took was Obama's private meeting with Hillary Clinton at her home. Never did I expect that that will be my last story for the day too.

I called YSTCM, and told them I want a late audition, I wanna get in to the school. The lady then transferred me to a dude, who turned out to be the one in-charge of admissions and student affairs.

After telling him a whole lot of crap such as I haven't been playing anywhere for the last 3 years, the only thing that struck him was that I am offered a place in Nafa (still subject to an audition).

'Ok I'll like to hear you then, can you come down like about... now?'

'(An audible gasp!)'

'Yes, I mean, you do want to appeal in to Yong Siew Toh and I will be away next week'

After some explanation that I am actually at work, I told him that I'll get a day off from my supervisor and I'll head down asap. I called Kelvin Wong and got him to pray for me.

On shaky ground, unchartered territory
I managed to take the day off from Azlinda, my sup, who's really nice, and then rushed home to take my instrument, practise a little of my more familiar pieces, grab a bite and head down.

My lack of practice and sleep were really working against me. I was sleeping throughout the journey to NUS. Knowing myself, I would slump into a deep shitty depression and fiery rage if I don't do well for this informal audition, so I made a prayer...

'Dear God, you know me best, and if this doesn't go well, do not allow me to get angry with You, because I really just want to please You, but it's just that when things don't go my way, I lose my temper. So help me oh Lord'.

I entered the conservatory. It is gorgeous. It's even more beautiful than the Momogaoka!! (the school that Chiaki and Nodame were in) I want to study here!!

I went to the admin office, waited for about five minutes for the guy. He arrived with a video cam, and that started making me really nervous...

We entered the studio... GASPS... It is four times the size of the Nafa studio and the minute details of the architecture is stunning.

I started off with a scale, then spanish trumpet... In my head, I was really confident because I really enjoyed the music and I felt relaxed. But he stopped me in the middle, and told me to play something that I usually play. So I chose the Arbans'.

'Your fundamentals are quite shaky. You have poor control of your breath,' he commented.

Oh Lord, is this really it??

The dude then randomly picked an exercise with lots of high and long notes I've never played. My hands were shaking, which means that my sound was shaking too as I played.

'You sing too much in your scales and there's too much vibratto in your music. The teachers will pick them out if they hear you. You are clearly not ready to play. Come back again on Wednesday and I will do a recording then.'

And so this is it, I have four days to make it. To make an impression.

'Would the fact that I'm a Singaporean help me?' I asked.

'Yes. We would even close one eye, but it really depends on your audition', he answered.

According to him, there were zero locals who auditioned to major in trumpet. So i guess that's my trump card.

I thank God for giving me all these chances. To be honest, the past 48 hours have felt just like a dream.

Going around in circles
Yes, going around in circles, that's something that has to stop. Music is the thing that I really want to do. I've never really shared this because it felt like a dream that would never come true. But it has always been in my prayers to God and now I've got the chance, I gotta stop going around in circles!

I've wasted two years in jc, trying to convince myself that I don't like music and that it only makes a good CCA record. And another two years in the army, getting jealous whenever I heard stories of friends going to study music. I shall escape no more! Nafa or YST, I am gonna do it anyway! Why shun these opportunities when God placed them right in front of me and answered my prayers already??

Music is something that I want to do. And even though studying it in US or Europe is usually the route, I don't wanna give myself the excuse that I shall practice harder so that after six years of doing a degree that i don't really regard as first choice, I shall then pursue my interest in music. That will be a total waste of life!! I think the fact that I may feel like this at times is because of my insecurity of my future.

True, it is hard to get a job as a musician. True, it is EVEN harder to make it as a member of a professional orchestra! But I rather die trying than to live with the regret of what if...

I can't stop praising Him for performing such a miracle. I just wanted a regular normal lesson last night with my teacher and this is how it turned out to be...

Hallelujah...